[28 Sep 2005|06:01pm] and you are so far away. and you /100

[22 Jul 2005|02:06am] ( I ) /100

[14 Jun 2005|11:22pm] [ mood | shallow. ] i've gotta quit this reminiscing, retrogressing, holding it in from everyone, living in it, waiting for it. it's helpless and i know it's why i let my chances go by. nothing should happen, it won't happen, it really shouldn't happen. subconscience, listen to me: let it go. /100

[10 Jun 2005|11:26am] so i wake up to some explosions in the sky song/half unconcious/and the night he first kissed me. god I shoulda slept just a few more minutes. 1 /100

[09 May 2005|10:21pm] Today was sort of depressing but I picked myself back up. I’ve gotten so good at not letting things get through to me. Failed a quiz. A couple breaks up. The sky was cloudy. Starless. A kid commits suicide. Hospital. Just two more weeks. And I miss you. Then I came here and it got through to me again. On this very screen. It seems wrong to my tired eyes I am still stuck on [you] for some silly reasons. Where is all this unrequited hope coming from? How does it continue? Choclate milk. Cloudy sky. Cloudy eyes. Don’t assume I cook. Follow the leader. I’ll catch up to you. I’ll catch up to you. and I can’t see how, the way that you leave me yellow makes us close. I must be out of touch. /100

everything has to change. [01 May 2005|12:50am] Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should be just friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. 1 /100

[30 Apr 2005|11:51am] you kind of kill me, and I'm stuck in this selfish reasoning... 1 /100

[20 Apr 2005|08:17pm] [ mood | lunch with adam. ] lately I've found myself retrogressing to past times, in ways that make me idle for moments, but then spring me upward and not to downfall at all. I suppose it's worth it, know it's worth it. there is just that one that still aches in my mind, or somewhere else that is a little more certain than the mind I've been getting past but still feel. Should I wait in hopes we will meet again in the future, the way I want us to? Should I take that risk? Should I make my move and give you the pull you used to? Should I take that risk? It may be a mistake to ignore how I felt being with you again, it's going to dissapear one way or another..when will we speak again? it doesn't ache on my mind like it used to. /100

[04 Apr 2005|10:58pm] we've waited so long you've quit caring. waited so long, I've almost quit caring, so please quit, would you(me) just quit? /100

[31 Mar 2005|04:33pm] ( memory ), eager for this week's end. /100

[08 Mar 2005|04:26pm] being alone long enough becomes habit, even when it is least wanted. It is hard to pull back from something so familiar, even if it does not involve a someone. only a few more days and some closure may be founded. my mind does not think in a straight line, a comet bus, a comet, I see you walking down the hall once a day but think about it thousands. speed up, slow down, slow down, tomorrow, speed up. so I can get through the night and just be myself. /100

[07 Feb 2005|10:28pm] [ mood | down. ] my voice shakes from the hurt that I hide. /100

[27 Jan 2005|09:02am] [He] is driving, slapping himself to stay alert, and he's counting, to be sure it's been seven times for Adam. One: the wrists (with an small saw on his thin, paper white arms). Two: poison- he drank floor wax, first pooring it into a tall clear glass. Three: the gunshot to the stomach. Or the side of the stomach- the bullet grazed him and went through his window and into the Episcopal church next door. No one was killed or hurt, but Adam felt so bad about it that, four, he stabbed himself in the leg with a cleaver. Five: he tried bringing a hair dryer into the tub with him, but it was suicide-proof, apparently- it turned itself off, leaving Adam shivering, the water having gone cold white while he'd got up the nerve. Six: what was six? A car driven into a tree? There was debate about whether that one had been intentional. 1 /100

[26 Jan 2005|11:40am] alone and I sure as hell know you'd rather go somewhere than reside here with me. i can't see where I am going. 1 /100

[20 Dec 2004|03:01pm] [ mood | indescribable ] heart? conscience? heart? conscience? 4 /100

[30 Oct 2004|11:36am] [ mood | john. ] tell me why are you like this, are you the same with anyone? save me from ( my ) /100

[08 Oct 2004|02:35pm] sounds like Sunday. why don't we just forget it ever happened? ( immediate ) /100

[22 Sep 2004|05:03pm] as of now, I am positive anything can come between us. 1 /100

[09 Aug 2004|02:11pm] hi, don't add me. /100

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